who looks outside, dreams. who looks inside, awakes.

being an idealist dreaming comes naturally. the way things could be. should be. might have been. will be.

last wednesday brought on an unexpected academic identity crisis. it wasn't the day itself, rather a meeting with my philosopher (an previous professor that i claim as my own). we ended up talking about the next academic step. he said he never saw me in the social sciences. maybe in the humanities on the side of social sciences. i was relieved. i haven't fit in sociology very well. my interests and preferred methods make it difficult. he said i would have to look hard for a program that was my niche. he knew i wasn't looking very hard at schools. he suggested american studies. i said i was uncertain about teaching. he said then why would you get a phd. he said i needed to do some soul searching. i tried not to cry as i graded papers all afternoon and evening. i don't have time to do some soul searching right now. applications are due in december. i'm taking the GRE in a month. and i'm just keeping up with work for my own classes.

my women's studies professor was from that department. i stopped by her office the other day. she said KU has the oldest american studies program in the states. good reputation. well established. i looked it up online. joint masters with urban planning. like it was made just for me.

thursday i drove to lawrence to meet with a couple professors about continuing graduate school. eventually completing a phd. teaching and research. conferences. and grading. i was really nervous. this visit was going to determine if i was going to pursue a phd or not. if not then i don't know what. the drive seemed longer than usual. meetings went well. the program is perfect for me. flexible. interdisciplinary. pragmatic and academic. across the hall i heard graduate teaching assistants talking about feminism and country music. i fit in there. it's perfect. if i want to become a professor. and if i want to move to lawrence. i am interested but not enough.

on the drive home i couldn't help feeling like i have made no progress over the last four years. i know that's not true. it has transformed me in many ways. but i'm still asking what am i doing with my life. i went to school in a way to avoid that question. not entirely. just graduate school. i like school a lot. i want to be a student. but that is not why you get a phd. not to stay a student. and as long as i stay in school i don't have to find an answer to the question.

this afternoon i went out to harvest fest. a celebration of friends and fall. my dog got to run around in the woods. but i felt like i had to keep an eye on him to make sure he wasn't bothering anyone or eating the food. i was looking forward to being outside. with friends. i wanted to think and talk. work things out in my mind. i barely talked to anyone. once it got dark around seven i had to keep the dog on a leash. i tried to sit with him by the fire while everyone ate. i ended up leaving before the night hike, dramatic readings and poems, music. i was frustrated. i needed to come home. why does that always happen on nights like tonight?

i needed to do some soul searching.

Comments

[sarah]

I think We are having sister crises.
It has been haunting me, while with people I find myself constantly drifting off confronting the question of what to do with my life. School does seems safe, fun, stimulating, I thought about moving out to kc, getting residency and then going to grad school, But i dont know if thats an easy out, or a genuine desire. then As i go to sleep , for some damned reason I posted the poem a dream deferred,

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?"

theres your happy thought. I love you, Sarah

[andrea]

maybe all of the above. depending on the level of contentment and wholeness at any moment in time. it's hard to know if staying in school is a selfish avoidance of real life. or just the thing you happen to be really good at. we'll figure it out along the way.

[moe]

Wow. Yeah I was sad to see you leave hf so early. Sorry Neko was being a doof. ;) All I can add to this is that KU was a great place to do a master's, and I imagine it would be a great environment for a phd as well. But there's a lot more to it than that, I know. Press on.

[saran]

I Got your message, and have been feeling by heart try to pull itself out of my chest cavity and bleed its way to kansas city.
in otherwords. as soon as you have more details let me know.