i can't help but feeling this summer was a waste. i look back and wonder what i actually did with all my free time. i barely made a dent in my reading list. lost all momentum for my thesis. didn't even take photos for my project. but i thought about doing it. and talked about doing it.
a lot did happen this summer. nothing that really required much of my time. i went to canada. worked at a garden for five weeks. my grandpa died. my grandma fell breaking her wrist and cracking her pelvis. i thought i liked someone but he's gone now. i sat in on an amazing class but didn't even have to do any of the course work. enjoyed the company of friends from far away. i went to canada again. now i'm trying to get a room and furniture painted before school starts. which is in one week. one week. where did my summer go?
it seems as if i'm in the same place before summer flew by. with my thesis. still lacking focus and a few solid quesitons. with ideas about the future. still not sure i want to be a professor. with productivity. still have a roll of unfinished slide film in my camera. with relationships. still stuck in the same situaiton.
the lack of self-motivation is really embararssing. am i this dependent on structure and deadlines? is it bad that i thrive in that type of environment? or am i just over it? don't care enough to get things done on my own? or scared because i have no idea what i'm doing? or where to start? it's overwhelming. i know i'll get it done. i always do. but i don't want to just get by. i don't want to regret not putting everything into it. whether it's my research project. or friendships. or working on myself.
i think too much. sometimes i just need to do something. figure it out as i go along. it's good for me.
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